An addendum for yesterday’s post.
We will never be completely healed. There, I said it. We will never be completely healed – from the things that frustrate us, or anger us, or hurt us, or give us a reason to judge others or ourselves.
Often times, after we’ve processed a particularly difficult lesson we’re prone to thinking, “Ok! Lesson learned!” only to find ourselves reliving the same lesson seemingly over and over again.
This isn’t because we didn’t do the healing work enough or that we weren’t successful at processing it but rather for two reasons:
1. We are human beings with egos and those egos love nothing more to cling to ideas, attachments, justifications, excuses, and reasons
2. God/The Universe will send us back to old lessons just to check our progress.
How we react to those old lessons when they circle back around let’s us know how we’ve progressed.
When something triggers us and we instantly react with fear, jealously, anger, sadness, etc., it’s because our reaction is purely the response of our ego lashing out based on its own preconceived notions, its own understanding, and it’s justification. It’s screaming out, “but what about me?!?”
So, we deal with those feelings and move past it. However, more often than not, what we’ve done is buried them and in burying them, we neglect them and they remain unhealed because the next time that trigger event pops up we find ourselves feeling the exact same things, and reacting the exact same way we felt the first time we were triggered.
It’s important then that when we feel something we first honor it by giving it space to exist – we must allow the emotion to work its way through our body AND then we must begin the work of healing that trigger. There are several ways to do this but my favorite (and perhaps the easiest) is to sit down, get quiet, and explore why we felt the way we felt.
Why was I hurt?
Why was I angry?
Why was I sad?
… and if the answer begins with, “because they…” 9/10 times we’re not being completely honest with ourselves.
Are there times when what someone does to us justify and emotional response? Absolutely!
However, our response is always purely based on our own perspective of the event, and because it’s our response we have 100% control over how it affects us.
So, pause again and insert, “because I…”
“Because I felt that…”
“Because I thought that…”
“Because I hoped that…”
And the answer to that reframed question will point us in the direction that our healing attention is most needed.
“Because I hoped that you would think to invite me” leads me to understand that it wasn’t the lack of an invitation that hurt me but rather my unreasonable expectation that I should be invited.
“Because I thought you cared about me,” doesn’t prove that the other doesn’t care about us but rather leads us to the understanding that I haven’t cared for myself enough in some particular way.
“Because I feel like an outsider,” doesn’t prove that I am but rather encourages me to get up and take a step forward.”
Generally, we allow ourselves to be hurt by others because we rely too much on others to provide our self esteem. The problem is that relying on others to do this doesn’t build our self esteem but rather further increases our dependence on them – much like a drug. But this problem is as old as humanity itself because we are, in fact, social animals. We come from tribes which evolved into villages, towns, cities…
When an emotion arises from any event, pause with it first and determine: 1. if it’s truly justified, 2. is it reasonable, and 3. does it serve my growth?
If the emotion is justified and reasonable – by all means, check in with who triggered the emotion but if the emotion was unreasonable, unjustified, and does not serve you – follow it to where you need to do the healing work and begin.
As you do the work, the tigger will repeat, thus giving you yet another opportunity to heal it. And although it may seem like you’re going in one crazy circle, the truth is, assuming that you’re working to heal that hurt part of your soul, you’re actually traveling along an upward spiral – and the higher you go, the less work is required.
But even as you heal, you must know that the hurt will never completely go away. You’ll find it, years later even after you think you’ve delt with the for the last time but it won’t be the open wound it once was but rather, just a little scar which you barely notice – your reminder that you are a deeply feeling human. And that is a beautiful thing to be indeed.
Om, Baby. Om!